Where to now?

The past year seems hazy. So much happened...I couldn't believe it. March 4th I went into the hospital for complete hip replacement.

At the same time, my dad...who was married to my step-mom for 30 years, was telling me that he was involved with another woman. He was explaining this to me while I was recovering in the hospital. What do you say to this upon hearing it?

Three days after I got out of the hospital, our precious Evie became sick. At first, I thought she just wanted to stay home because grandma was there to take care of mom. Evie loved playing card games (Old Maid, Go Fish) with Grandma. We figured it would not hurt a thing to let her stay home...yet it quickly became apparent she was really sick. It started out as an upset stomach and diarrhea, then she couldn't keep anything down and wouldn't eat. Thank goodness Grandma was here, she even followed Evie to the bathroom. That's when Grandma noticed the blood in her stool. ........within 10 days our little girl died from e-coli/HUS.

I couldn't be there with her...I was recovering from hip surgery. My husband, sister-in-law, and his sister and her husband went to work as two teams. One team would be with her while the other team slept. My heart ached...community members stopped by or called frequently. People I didn't even know stopped by to pray with me. I just knew she would be home soon...until the phone call from her doctor. I am thankful for the moments I could share with her before she died.

A month later, my husband came down with a severe case of shingles. The breakout began on his neck and traveled up over his head, across his shoulder, and around the side of his face. This was the worst case the hospital had ever seen. My husband was in a quarantined hospital room, just like our little girl was only the month before. Fear of losing him was ever present in my mind.

A year has passed since this all began. During this year, I felt a bit mechanical; much like a robot. Afraid to feel emotion, I kept moving in ways to strengthen my family and our faith. My husband moved to the alter last summer during church and was baptized at the creek in front of my daughters home. Months later my son came home and told us he was saved during youth night at the church. Praying for my family and searching for ways to strengthen them has been my burden and my goal.

My dad has left my step-mom. It really breaks my heart; I hurt for her and for his loss. There is really nothing more to be said concerning this situation.

Coming out of this year of trials...I look for inner strength and ways to continue to grow closer to God. Somehow I stumbled upon the Proverbs 31 Women's ministry. An absolutely wonderful group of women. From that introduction, I found the on-line group of women reading the One Year Chronological Bible, lead by Wendy. With this group, it is OK to feel emotion again...although I somehow feel like the Willow Statue..not willing to reveal too much but wanting to feel safe to share.

Not one to really go anywhere without my family, I have gone out on a limb to sign up for the Women of Faith Conference in St. Louis...I am really looking forward to this! I have also signed up for the Digging Deeper Conference with Beth Moore and Kay Arthur. I have also signed up for free golf lessons...branching out of my safe zone and feeling ready to bloom.

I don't know what God has in store for me this year, but I do know that he will guide me through it.

Tribute to our Evie

One year ago today, I woke up having no idea this would be her last day with us. Although Evie was very sick, there was hope she was on the road to recovery. We were half way through...the doctors promised us that the road to recovery was rocky but if she could pull through for 7 days the rest was going to be fine. This was day 10; surely we were on the road to recovery.
God, in His infinite wisdom, knew fully what was yet to come. Looking back, I can see how he prepared us and equipped us for the day. It was 18 days since my hip surgery, a beautiful sunny day and we were going to try a car ride. My step-mom took me down to the school so I could walk the halls (spring break, no students in the building). It was evident that my ability to walk was improving but the car ride was difficult.
After arriving home, my husband called. Evie wanted to talk to mom...I can still hear her voice. She told me that little friends were wanting to play with her and she wanted them to go away. Dad explained that she was seeing them regularly now. At first they were outside the window, she was so disturbed by them he closed the curtains. Then they were inside the room wanting to play. She seemed to realize that no one else could see them. I asked her if they were angels; she didn't think so. I told her to give it to God, He would protect her as always. After all, He's a pretty big guy!She was content with that answer and gave the phone back to Dad.
A few hours later, friends were over to visit with me at the house. That's when the call from the doctor came through. She said that our little girl had taken a turn for the worst, the HUS (caused from e-coli) was taking a large toll on our little girl. She was already in kidney failure, fighting against her platelets clotting, and now a ventilator was necessary. The doctor said that if I could travel, now would be the time. God knew...friends were there with a larger car for travel. Not a word was needed as we hurried and packed, we were headed out of the drive-way when my husband called worried that the trip would be too much for me. There was no holding me back.
On the way to the hospital, the doctor called again. Evie developed a hole in her lung, her little body was filling up with air and compressing on her heart. We were a short distance away.
After getting to the hospital, I could sense the relief in my husbands eyes and the deep concern for what was happening. They had to put a hole in her side to relieve the air pressure on her heart...before the procedure I stepped next to her and said, "Momma's here". She began to move, like she wanted to wake up. The doctor said they needed to sedate her again and I was asked to leave the room. She knew I was there. For whatever reason, it was important to me that she knew I was there.
Family members began arriving to the intensive care unit, the waiting area and hallways were quickly filling with Evie's sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and friends. She didn't leave this world without knowing she was loved.
Together, we held her and loved her for that one last day. It seemed so unjust, not fair, she was so young...eight years old. Not understanding why...infinite wisdom came from her 11 year old brother. He explained to us all how Evie got a "shortcut to heaven". While the rest of us were still waiting, she was already there.

The Fear of Being Wrong

The fear of being wrong...have you ever experienced this? Often times this fear is crippling and won't allow you to make a decision at all. The effects of indecisiveness can be worse than a wrong decision.

The more I ponder this thought, I have come to realize an important life lesson. This realization came to me loud and clear when watching a simple tv show, "Grey's Anatomy". (God can use anything to teach us a lesson, lol)If everyone chose not to act or make decisions, then fear has won. No one would ever learn, grow, or develop into something better without walking the path of disappointment or even failure. The reflection of where something went wrong helps us to learn and grow. Moving ahead carefully is much better than not moving at all.

Nothing ventured is nothing gained!

True Wisdom

The fear of the Lord is true wisdom; to forsake evil is real understanding. Job 28:28

Wisdom and understanding, this is what young Solomon asked for when faced with ruling the nation. Of all the things he could ask of God, young King Solomon asked for wisdom. The quest for wisdom is found in the "fear" of the Lord. This Hebrew word for fear (found in Job 28:28) is Yir'ah meaning respect, reverence, piety.

But do people know where to find wisdom? Where can they find understanding? It is hidden from the eyes of all humanity. Even the sharp-eyed birds cannot discover it. 28:20-21
God alone understands the way to wisdom; he knows where it can be found. 28:23

When faced with intense tribulation, Job's friends came to his bedside and implored him to repent of sinful ways. His friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, felt that Job's affliction was the discipline of Almighty God. In Job's weakest moment they were actually giving him more pain and adding to his torment. The company of Job's friends must have been much like sitting with a group of "know-it-alls". One "know-it-all" can be enough, can you image three!
Yet, Job knew his own heart and blameless position. The things his friends were saying made no sense! When reading through the book of Job I can't help but wonder why his friends didn't seek wisdom before counseling him. This is a good lesson for us all 1) Be careful of whom you listen to and 2) seek wisdom before giving counsel. You might have your heart in the right place but your council may steer a person in the wrong direction.

The Woman at Walmart

Saturdays always seem busy; the day isn't long enough for my to-do list. Prioritizing the list helps. On the way to the feed store with my husband, we stopped to mail a birthday gift to my mom, I called a friend while he was loading feed on the truck (this takes time, male bonding time at the feed store, lol) and we swapped plans for the rest of the day. While he and our son were going to be banding calves, I was going to finish running errands.
Of course, the errands started with stopping by my daughters house. This is not on the way, by any means; yet a priority on the list. Visiting family is always a pleasure. Our grand-daugther is growing so fast! Once she settled in for a nap, my afternoon of errands began.
The trip to Walmart is about 45 minutes, giving me some wonderful alone time. As much as some dislike being alone, I treasure the moments of peace. The quiet time on the road, listening to my favorite CD's and pondering thoughts fill my time. The trip was for the most part, uneventful. Yet, while in line to pay, a young couple came up behind me. Overhearing their conversation was unavoidable. The young man (maybe 23 - 25) was berating the young woman. He was commenting on her "attitude" and threatening to make her walk home.
My heart began to break; I felt her pain. As a former wife of an abusive relationship, I noticed her sink further down into her coat. She wouldn't raise her head and her eyes focused on the floor. I almost dropped my head too, but suddenly remembered I am no longer afraid. I no longer live a life like that. Not knowing what to do, I just looked him in the eye as he tried to stare me down. My thoughts were...no, I'm not going to stay out of it, you brought it out into public for all to see. He decided to change lines. I said nothing.
The way home was much different. My heart was truly burdened for the young woman as I prayed for her on the way home. Why didn't I do more? Why didn't I tell her that I would give her a way home? As I shared the story with my husband, he felt that my reaction was appropriate and that if I had said something, it might have made it worse for her. In my heart, I know he is probably right. So...here's praying for them both.

Weathering the Storms

Building your house on the sand or on the rock determines how you will weather the storm. Storms will definitely come, there is no way around it. Yet, how you weather the storm is really your choice. You can be proactive and build your house on the rock or you can take the easy route and build upon the sand. When making choices, look not at what is easier but think with the future in mind. Our choices don't just have an effect on us, but inevitably affect others. Are we being pro-active or re-active.

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash." Matthew: 7:24-27 (NIV)

When viewing others build in the sand, it is frustrating. When the rains come down, watching them fall is heartwrenching. I wish that I could simply serve a cup of strength or insight. Yet we learn by making mistakes.

My Scripture Verse for 2009

Recently, I reading MaryBeth Whalen's blog. She mentioned her verse for the upcoming year and encouraged others to post their verse for the year. All I could think of was simply, Wow. Why didn't I think of that? Last year was really rough, each of us experienced a stay at the hospital. From a sprained wrist to surgury and disease. We experienced the loss of one of our dear babies. Yet at the same time it held joy's and blessings sent from heaven with new births both spiritual and physical.

During our Christmas break, I've had time to catch up on some reading and found a common theme in each book. Relationships...they mean a lot. A relationship with our Lord helps us to create other relationships...good relationships. This is how we learn to love, to encourage, to trust others.

Keeping all these things in mind, I stumbled upon my verse for 2009. It's found in Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (NIV)

Thanks, MaryBeth, what a wonderful idea!