Have you ever heard the phrase, "You're only as good as your last rodeo"? Often times, that is what lays in the forefront; the thing people remember most. For a baseball player, it means the last game; for a surgeon, his last surgery, etc. Just one mess up could mean that all the successful times mean nothing. It simply isn't that way with God. He remembers them all.
In Joshua 14: 6 - 15 Caleb relates the story of how he did as he was instructed to do; even when those around him didn't. He "wholehertedly" followed the LORD. Forty-five years later...when the time was right...God rewarded Caleb, kept him a healthy strong man, and gave him the hill country that was promised to him. Long after some might have excuse to forget, God remembered! and was true to his word.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Where to now?
The past year seems hazy. So much happened...I couldn't believe it. March 4th I went into the hospital for complete hip replacement.
At the same time, my dad...who was married to my step-mom for 30 years, was telling me that he was involved with another woman. He was explaining this to me while I was recovering in the hospital. What do you say to this upon hearing it?
Three days after I got out of the hospital, our precious Evie became sick. At first, I thought she just wanted to stay home because grandma was there to take care of mom. Evie loved playing card games (Old Maid, Go Fish) with Grandma. We figured it would not hurt a thing to let her stay home...yet it quickly became apparent she was really sick. It started out as an upset stomach and diarrhea, then she couldn't keep anything down and wouldn't eat. Thank goodness Grandma was here, she even followed Evie to the bathroom. That's when Grandma noticed the blood in her stool. ........within 10 days our little girl died from e-coli/HUS.
I couldn't be there with her...I was recovering from hip surgery. My husband, sister-in-law, and his sister and her husband went to work as two teams. One team would be with her while the other team slept. My heart ached...community members stopped by or called frequently. People I didn't even know stopped by to pray with me. I just knew she would be home soon...until the phone call from her doctor. I am thankful for the moments I could share with her before she died.
A month later, my husband came down with a severe case of shingles. The breakout began on his neck and traveled up over his head, across his shoulder, and around the side of his face. This was the worst case the hospital had ever seen. My husband was in a quarantined hospital room, just like our little girl was only the month before. Fear of losing him was ever present in my mind.
A year has passed since this all began. During this year, I felt a bit mechanical; much like a robot. Afraid to feel emotion, I kept moving in ways to strengthen my family and our faith. My husband moved to the alter last summer during church and was baptized at the creek in front of my daughters home. Months later my son came home and told us he was saved during youth night at the church. Praying for my family and searching for ways to strengthen them has been my burden and my goal.
My dad has left my step-mom. It really breaks my heart; I hurt for her and for his loss. There is really nothing more to be said concerning this situation.
Coming out of this year of trials...I look for inner strength and ways to continue to grow closer to God. Somehow I stumbled upon the Proverbs 31 Women's ministry. An absolutely wonderful group of women. From that introduction, I found the on-line group of women reading the One Year Chronological Bible, lead by Wendy. With this group, it is OK to feel emotion again...although I somehow feel like the Willow Statue..not willing to reveal too much but wanting to feel safe to share.
Not one to really go anywhere without my family, I have gone out on a limb to sign up for the Women of Faith Conference in St. Louis...I am really looking forward to this! I have also signed up for the Digging Deeper Conference with Beth Moore and Kay Arthur. I have also signed up for free golf lessons...branching out of my safe zone and feeling ready to bloom.
I don't know what God has in store for me this year, but I do know that he will guide me through it.
At the same time, my dad...who was married to my step-mom for 30 years, was telling me that he was involved with another woman. He was explaining this to me while I was recovering in the hospital. What do you say to this upon hearing it?
Three days after I got out of the hospital, our precious Evie became sick. At first, I thought she just wanted to stay home because grandma was there to take care of mom. Evie loved playing card games (Old Maid, Go Fish) with Grandma. We figured it would not hurt a thing to let her stay home...yet it quickly became apparent she was really sick. It started out as an upset stomach and diarrhea, then she couldn't keep anything down and wouldn't eat. Thank goodness Grandma was here, she even followed Evie to the bathroom. That's when Grandma noticed the blood in her stool. ........within 10 days our little girl died from e-coli/HUS.
I couldn't be there with her...I was recovering from hip surgery. My husband, sister-in-law, and his sister and her husband went to work as two teams. One team would be with her while the other team slept. My heart ached...community members stopped by or called frequently. People I didn't even know stopped by to pray with me. I just knew she would be home soon...until the phone call from her doctor. I am thankful for the moments I could share with her before she died.
A month later, my husband came down with a severe case of shingles. The breakout began on his neck and traveled up over his head, across his shoulder, and around the side of his face. This was the worst case the hospital had ever seen. My husband was in a quarantined hospital room, just like our little girl was only the month before. Fear of losing him was ever present in my mind.
A year has passed since this all began. During this year, I felt a bit mechanical; much like a robot. Afraid to feel emotion, I kept moving in ways to strengthen my family and our faith. My husband moved to the alter last summer during church and was baptized at the creek in front of my daughters home. Months later my son came home and told us he was saved during youth night at the church. Praying for my family and searching for ways to strengthen them has been my burden and my goal.
My dad has left my step-mom. It really breaks my heart; I hurt for her and for his loss. There is really nothing more to be said concerning this situation.
Coming out of this year of trials...I look for inner strength and ways to continue to grow closer to God. Somehow I stumbled upon the Proverbs 31 Women's ministry. An absolutely wonderful group of women. From that introduction, I found the on-line group of women reading the One Year Chronological Bible, lead by Wendy. With this group, it is OK to feel emotion again...although I somehow feel like the Willow Statue..not willing to reveal too much but wanting to feel safe to share.
Not one to really go anywhere without my family, I have gone out on a limb to sign up for the Women of Faith Conference in St. Louis...I am really looking forward to this! I have also signed up for the Digging Deeper Conference with Beth Moore and Kay Arthur. I have also signed up for free golf lessons...branching out of my safe zone and feeling ready to bloom.
I don't know what God has in store for me this year, but I do know that he will guide me through it.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Tribute to our Evie
One year ago today, I woke up having no idea this would be her last day with us. Although Evie was very sick, there was hope she was on the road to recovery. We were half way through...the doctors promised us that the road to recovery was rocky but if she could pull through for 7 days the rest was going to be fine. This was day 10; surely we were on the road to recovery.
God, in His infinite wisdom, knew fully what was yet to come. Looking back, I can see how he prepared us and equipped us for the day. It was 18 days since my hip surgery, a beautiful sunny day and we were going to try a car ride. My step-mom took me down to the school so I could walk the halls (spring break, no students in the building). It was evident that my ability to walk was improving but the car ride was difficult.
After arriving home, my husband called. Evie wanted to talk to mom...I can still hear her voice. She told me that little friends were wanting to play with her and she wanted them to go away. Dad explained that she was seeing them regularly now. At first they were outside the window, she was so disturbed by them he closed the curtains. Then they were inside the room wanting to play. She seemed to realize that no one else could see them. I asked her if they were angels; she didn't think so. I told her to give it to God, He would protect her as always. After all, He's a pretty big guy!She was content with that answer and gave the phone back to Dad.
A few hours later, friends were over to visit with me at the house. That's when the call from the doctor came through. She said that our little girl had taken a turn for the worst, the HUS (caused from e-coli) was taking a large toll on our little girl. She was already in kidney failure, fighting against her platelets clotting, and now a ventilator was necessary. The doctor said that if I could travel, now would be the time. God knew...friends were there with a larger car for travel. Not a word was needed as we hurried and packed, we were headed out of the drive-way when my husband called worried that the trip would be too much for me. There was no holding me back.
On the way to the hospital, the doctor called again. Evie developed a hole in her lung, her little body was filling up with air and compressing on her heart. We were a short distance away.
After getting to the hospital, I could sense the relief in my husbands eyes and the deep concern for what was happening. They had to put a hole in her side to relieve the air pressure on her heart...before the procedure I stepped next to her and said, "Momma's here". She began to move, like she wanted to wake up. The doctor said they needed to sedate her again and I was asked to leave the room. She knew I was there. For whatever reason, it was important to me that she knew I was there.
Family members began arriving to the intensive care unit, the waiting area and hallways were quickly filling with Evie's sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and friends. She didn't leave this world without knowing she was loved.
Together, we held her and loved her for that one last day. It seemed so unjust, not fair, she was so young...eight years old. Not understanding why...infinite wisdom came from her 11 year old brother. He explained to us all how Evie got a "shortcut to heaven". While the rest of us were still waiting, she was already there.
God, in His infinite wisdom, knew fully what was yet to come. Looking back, I can see how he prepared us and equipped us for the day. It was 18 days since my hip surgery, a beautiful sunny day and we were going to try a car ride. My step-mom took me down to the school so I could walk the halls (spring break, no students in the building). It was evident that my ability to walk was improving but the car ride was difficult.
After arriving home, my husband called. Evie wanted to talk to mom...I can still hear her voice. She told me that little friends were wanting to play with her and she wanted them to go away. Dad explained that she was seeing them regularly now. At first they were outside the window, she was so disturbed by them he closed the curtains. Then they were inside the room wanting to play. She seemed to realize that no one else could see them. I asked her if they were angels; she didn't think so. I told her to give it to God, He would protect her as always. After all, He's a pretty big guy!She was content with that answer and gave the phone back to Dad.
A few hours later, friends were over to visit with me at the house. That's when the call from the doctor came through. She said that our little girl had taken a turn for the worst, the HUS (caused from e-coli) was taking a large toll on our little girl. She was already in kidney failure, fighting against her platelets clotting, and now a ventilator was necessary. The doctor said that if I could travel, now would be the time. God knew...friends were there with a larger car for travel. Not a word was needed as we hurried and packed, we were headed out of the drive-way when my husband called worried that the trip would be too much for me. There was no holding me back.
On the way to the hospital, the doctor called again. Evie developed a hole in her lung, her little body was filling up with air and compressing on her heart. We were a short distance away.
After getting to the hospital, I could sense the relief in my husbands eyes and the deep concern for what was happening. They had to put a hole in her side to relieve the air pressure on her heart...before the procedure I stepped next to her and said, "Momma's here". She began to move, like she wanted to wake up. The doctor said they needed to sedate her again and I was asked to leave the room. She knew I was there. For whatever reason, it was important to me that she knew I was there.
Family members began arriving to the intensive care unit, the waiting area and hallways were quickly filling with Evie's sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and friends. She didn't leave this world without knowing she was loved.
Together, we held her and loved her for that one last day. It seemed so unjust, not fair, she was so young...eight years old. Not understanding why...infinite wisdom came from her 11 year old brother. He explained to us all how Evie got a "shortcut to heaven". While the rest of us were still waiting, she was already there.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
The Fear of Being Wrong
The fear of being wrong...have you ever experienced this? Often times this fear is crippling and won't allow you to make a decision at all. The effects of indecisiveness can be worse than a wrong decision.
The more I ponder this thought, I have come to realize an important life lesson. This realization came to me loud and clear when watching a simple tv show, "Grey's Anatomy". (God can use anything to teach us a lesson, lol)If everyone chose not to act or make decisions, then fear has won. No one would ever learn, grow, or develop into something better without walking the path of disappointment or even failure. The reflection of where something went wrong helps us to learn and grow. Moving ahead carefully is much better than not moving at all.
Nothing ventured is nothing gained!
The more I ponder this thought, I have come to realize an important life lesson. This realization came to me loud and clear when watching a simple tv show, "Grey's Anatomy". (God can use anything to teach us a lesson, lol)If everyone chose not to act or make decisions, then fear has won. No one would ever learn, grow, or develop into something better without walking the path of disappointment or even failure. The reflection of where something went wrong helps us to learn and grow. Moving ahead carefully is much better than not moving at all.
Nothing ventured is nothing gained!
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